Imagine you are me.
You’ve finally beat the post-new-year laziness and typed up a post for Thursday (last week) till 1:00 AM. A post you deem considerably tolerable (Though you cannot really figure since the blog statistics indicate that people have been roving their eyes all over your words, but comments are rarely made. So you aren’t sure if they get bored halfway and leave or…)
So you decide to time for some free Wi-Fi the next day and put it up then. You fall into much deserved sleep with a satisfied smile… only to wake up the next morning and find a goon who co-runs the blog has taken over your space, forced you into an unintentional leave, then (as if that is not enough) he dedicates a post to you. Sweet, yeah? Heck NO! Why? Because the bugger has compared you to talking donkey friend of Shrek’s, then (as if that is STILL not enough) he threatens your dear blue hoodie. A hoodie with one hell of a badass tribal design. A hoodie that has never hurt a fly! Could never. A hoodie more valued than King Julien’s crown! (Okay, maybe not as much, but you get it, right?)
So what do you do? Well, you steam from your nostrils for two days, sharpen your panga till your Meru genes tingle, then remember its someone’s dad you are planning to murder and a little sweet girl needs to grow up with a father, no matter how screwed up he is… So you add a long, boring rant disguised as an intro to the planned post, some editorial notes through the text to have it make sense and here you go.
***
Friday 17th, January 2014. Last week(but one). My birthday. I turned 20.
*AWKWARD SILENCE*
*Two unfollowers on twitter*
*Kid-brozoned by a prospective lay*
*A chair squeaks*
*Sound of a jaw being collected from the floor*
Come on guys, get off it…
Can we move on now? No? Haiya… Who has anything to say… or a question?
Yeah, wassup!? You on the front row what did you ask? YES, I AM SERIOUS! Jeez! What? No! I never skipped any classes! Why do you people always ask that? My childhood was great according to several standards, yes I lied about my age before I learnt how to be proud of it and no, I haven’t always been the youngest in my class. Once in a while, there was a guy (or two…or three) who a month (or two … or three) younger than me. Really people! This clean chin should be a dead giveaway! What did you say Shiko? Oh! That’s a valid point, but Orato might be waxing his or something, you never know with that fellow. I mean, just because he is 36 or thereabouts doesn’t mean he has a beard fixation. Yes of course I have hair on other parts of my body… I don’t like where this is going, next question please.
How am I 20? Eish lady in third row! Quit letting me down. Simply because I was born two decades ago. No I don’t listen to Justin Beiber! Come on people! Miley Cyrus? Who the fuck is that? What? You going to act like I am too young to curse now? I was cursing when I was 13 and in form 1. Yes I cleared primary school at twelve! Is that a big deal where you come from? Mwathani! Yes… Person on second row tweeting as I speak, I did Social Studies. You did GHC? CHRIST! What the heck are you doing worrying about the number of followers you have? Shouldn’t you be getting your third kid to boarding school? Or chairing a board meeting or checking your mail box for the retirement letter or whatever people your age do? Is your experience at the Kenya @ 50 celebrations comparable to what you felt in 1963? How is your arthritis?
Okay, kidding aside, my birthday came, songs were sung, jokes about my age (most of which I have heard before) were cracked, classes were attended (I KNOW!) an Ethiopian restaurant was raided (Pepper is bad my friend. Have you ever gone to relieve yourself and got convinced there was someone below your bum with a lit matchstick? Well, try these Ethiopian foods), shots were done (cue Kendrick Lamar: “…look at me, usually I’m drug free, but …”) and generally, a smashing time was had.
What would you have expected me to do after that? No “get a girlfriend” is not a viable answer. I’ll tell you what I expected. I thought I’d wake up the next day, analyze my life till that moment, in the “The Thinker” pose, write down some really philosophical conclusions and post them here. Maybe even turn this whole thing into a philosophy blog. So I waited for that moment to avail itself… and waited…. And waited… till few moments ago (This was last Wednesday at night). And that is when I got an epiphany!
Hold you horses! It is not even a wise bit.
I realized that I’m now just another 20 year old in a sea of them (which, somewhere along the way, will include Justin Beiber… AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!) Nothing much changed in my life. Nothing even clicked in me (Good evening God, can you please consider this in your future projects? Thank-you) I am, ostensibly, still the youngest guy in the class, terribly struggling to be funny to make up for the nonexistent Pecs. I am the guy I am. I need to get over the fact that I never got a letter from Hogwarts (it has been troubling me for the last 9 years) and concentrate on babies that have been born by ideas I helped conceive, this blog included. And I need to earn. The few things I can say I have learnt so far include: that age actually does matter in this judgmental society. They won’t even let think or live the way you feel without asking you to act you age. Probably the wisest thing I’ve learnt so far is that what comes easily to you is what you should work hardest for. Networks are the most important element on the way up any ladder; the rungs to the success one are made of handshakes. You can learn more by listening than by shooting crazy questions all over. Some of those mean folks on social media are the noblest souls when it comes to a cause. Avoid Blankets and Wines. Respect and will help you jump long gaps. Respect is earned. Some of the stuff my parents said eight years ago aren’t as idiotic as I thought. Sometimes the solution to that nagging problem is just getting laid.
Who among you guys suggested getting a girlfriend? I might just consider it…. As long as she likes blue hoodies.
Peace!
featured images source : http://www.project-20.org
StoryZetu 
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